A question which is often asked on forums is

Has anybody ever had a relationship with a working girl?

Duh!

No, we’re all man hating bitches

or

No! We all turn into wolves after midnight and spend the hours until 7am maiming and killing unsuspecting folk on their way home from the pub. Incidentally people,  please stop eating kebabs! They give you a funny aftertaste.

or

Yes, of course they have you silly arse!

You choose…

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Whoever wished that one on me had better watch out, because if I find out who it was, I’m going to stand on their bunions… HARD!

My life over the last six weeks or so has been eventful, to say the least, but it seems to be settling back to something almost recognisable as normal now, which means (fingers crossed) that I can start to catch up on my email. Well, I already have started, but if you’ve been expecting to hear from me and haven’t, feel free to prod me with a reminder.

Having changed my tune and started providing domination as a service, I have to say I’m thoroughly enjoying myself and can’t wait to get in a bit of practice in 2012. Which reminds me.

Naughty flatmate! Belated Merry Xmas and I look forward to giving you a good thrashing in the new year!

In case you hadn’t noticed (Yes you! pay attention at the back!), I’ve had a new field report.  So there you have it. Further proof – if you needed it – that I aten’t dead. Not only that, but that I am a sex goddess and social chameleon *preens*. Oh alright then, no I’m not, but I’m not half bad. In fact, as not bad goes, I’m really rather alright.

Anyhoo…

Interesting times or not, I was alternately amused and irritated to see that the Highland News seem to have appointed themselves the moral guardians of Inverness. Their article on the dating website for married folk who fancy a bit on the side may have been intended to stop such shenanigans, but the cynic in me wonders whether it wasn’t just a sneaky bit of advertising for the “security company” mentioned. Ooh! Yes, we’re all terribly impressed that they’ve just taken on two ex policefolk, but really? You’re going to hunt down all the adulterers who fancy a bit of light entertainment because of the recession? Then what? Burn them at the stake outside the town hall? You’ll just cause a traffic jam and then nobody will be your friend. Or are you planning to tell their unsuspecting partners?

Excuse me Madam, I know you think that you are perfectly content with your life and you have a good relationship with your husband, but I feel the need to inform you that he’s been having it away with her at number seven!

If I’m not mistaken, you can’t just start randomly following people. You’ll end up being sued. People have been having affairs and quick knee tremblers when nobody was looking since time began. Right or wrong, it’s none of your business.

Whether or not the articles in question boosted business for the professional nosey parkers, I’m absolutely certain that they will have resulted in a dramatic leap in membership applications for the no strings sex site. So, yah boo sucks to you!

And just don’t get me started on the letters page where two Inverness residents were allowed to spout homophobic bile to a wide audience… Just don’t!

Or busy Amanda as the case may be. I’m currently all booked up until Tuesday 8th November.
I have had a lot of enquiries about incalls just lately, so just to remind you all. I am not currently able to provide incalls, but I can visit you at your home or hotel, subject to my availability.
I have upgraded my floozy phone to a BlackBerry, so I no longer feel the urge to change my number or ditch the phone completely, thanks to a rather nifty application which blocks calls and texts from blacklisted numbers. I like to think of it as the fuckwit filter or fwf for short. This also means that my phone is switched on more often than it has been in recent months.
Anyway, it’s late and my Horlicks is getting cold, so goodnight people who live in the interweb tubes.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Oh woe is me, for that is where I have been. I have had a moderately bad cold a near fatal case of man-flu. I still sound hoarse as hell rather husky and sexy, so I shall make my fortune (obviously) over the next few days by offering “Lauren Bacall phone sex”. Either that or I’ll continue to wander around the house amusing myself by saying things like “In Soviet Russia, kettle boils you”.

I have spent this evening eating (someone else’s) Dairy Milk and drinking hot tea (made by the chocolate owner) whilst looking for a nice chunky knit hooded scarf to snuggle into during the winter months. I was tucked under a duvet in a comfy chair and was ill prepared for the shocking discovery (don’t forget my weakened state) that Urban Outfitters sell one for £250. TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY QUID!! FOR A SCARF! A rather bloody ugly one at that. You could buy a flock of feckin’ sheep to snuggle up to for less than that.

Anyway, none of that is what I planned to tell you. Apart from the fact that I have been clinging desperately to life (did I mention that I’ve not been well?). Which leads me to the fact that I need to catch up with my email. If you think you’re being ignored, worry not. You’ll get a reply over the next day or so. Unless of course you are the chap who emailed me about “doing intercourse and other sex stuff” in which case don’t hold your breath.

To someone who’ll probably never read it.

Dear whatever you name is,

As much as I would obviously love to meet you in the truck stop tomorrow night for an hour long bunk up extravaganza in the cab of your lorry, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make it.

I would also like to take this chance to thank you for your incredibly generous offer. It touches me deeply to know that you are such a giving and selfless person that you would offer me 40% of my hourly fee for an hour in such salubrious surroundings. You really shouldn’t have.* You truly are a prince among men.

I would just like to apologise again for my inability to accept your booking on this occasion, but I’m washing my hair and of course I really just can’t cancel that. In fact, you’ll find (if you ever contact me again) that I wash my hair quite often.**

Love and kisses

Amanda

*No, you really shouldn’t have

** And I’m sure that if it’s not hair wash time, I can find lots of other things I’d rather do, like sharpening matchsticks and shoving them under my fingernails with a mallet.

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Coupons always remind me of my Nan. You’d find her sat at the kitchen table with the daily paper (after Grandad had finished with it of course) and a pair of scissors, scouring them for any sign of coupons (she pronounced it kewpons) for anything at all, didn’t matter whether or not it was something she’d usually buy or whether it would get used. If there was a coupon for it, it was going on the list.

Anyway, that’s approximately 400 light years away from the thing I was going to tell you.

I received an email the other day from a chap who has decided that the one thing missing in the adult industry is a coupon site.

Hey there,  I’m near on 95% finished building the world’s first Adult Groupon website.
I’ve called it Scroopon.

Well, full marks for initiative sweetie and the name is umm… inspired.

He went on to inform me (and probably a gazillion other working girls) that

Is just like Groupon, but we’re offering heavily discounted Adult services instead of the more traditional facials and massages you might expect to get offered via email from Groupon.

You’re offering? Really?

As I know you work in the industry – and whether you’re independent, at an agency or a club – I want you to be part of my new adult group buying revolution.

Well my dear. You can want all you like. In fact, it’s good to want things, it builds character.

Scroopon is kicking off in the UK first, to be closely followed by the US, then Aussie.
My sole restriction is I will only ever promote 1 girl/offer per city per week, except in the major cities like London, Manchester or NY where it will be 1 girl per area per week (e.g. 1 in Mayfair, 1 in Earls Court etc etc).
To drive traffic to you, I’ll be sending your offers to my own company director database of close on 230,000 blokes all over the UK each week. Will be exactly the same in the US and Aus.

Fair enough, I suppose. Although I do hope this database of blokes have actually signed up. Otherwise you may find that they’re a tad peeved at you.

So if your offer is sexy enough, in every sense, whoever is featured that week will get a LOT of business.
Best thing?
These will be real-time deals that attract customers exactly when you need them.
Yep, just like Groupon, your offer for the week must be hugely discounted but like I said it will be more than made up for by a flock of business that week. Business some other girl in your City might have got instead of you.

So to get featured, it’s “best offer wins”? Ooh! Put me down for quick wanks behind a bus shelter at 50p a pop… Not!

Let me know you’re up for earning more Scroopon style by filling out:
>>> this simple form <<<.

I’ll probably pass on that to be honest.

Oh, costs absolutely zilch to sign up, so dont worry about that.

I wasn’t

See you inside.
– M***

No… You won’t.

p.s. Will be a great way to fill up those quiet Sunday and Monday nights too!

I happen to like those, ta very much.

It may surprise this chap to know that I and all the other escorts I’ve seen discussing this are quite happy with the number of bookings we take. We price ourselves to suit the way we want to work and don’t offer “quickie” bookings. The girls who do offer these things and see more clients are probably too busy to bother with this. We are also quite fussy about whose bookings we accept and the idea of running an offer which would lead to a whole day/week/whatever of chaps “with an eye for a bargain” turning up by the coach load with their coupons clutched tightly in their sweaty mitts causes a collective shudder which probably has seismologists the world over sitting up and taking notice.

Disclaimer: This is just my opinion and it may be wrong¹

If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard

I reckon I’d make a great male escort, don’t you think so?

I’d have a significant amount of pennies.

What’s your point/the problem? I hear you ask. Well, there are several, to be honest.

For starters, the men who have the most unshakeable belief that they would be perfect male escorts, tend to be the ones who are 5’2”, average looking and (most importantly) humourless little personality vacuums. It’s a bit X-Factor (No, I don’t bloody watch it, but I’ve seen a few of the auditions). The ones who shout the loudest about how great they are turn out to be tone deaf and couldn’t carry a tune in a sodding wheelbarrow.

Whilst I won’t say there is no market for straight male escorts, I will tell you that it is a teeny tiny market and it is awash with bright eyed hopefuls. As far as I know, even the successful guys do it part time and have another job to pay the rent. My guess (and that’s all it is) would be that there is a small demand for two types of male escort.

1. The educated, well spoken, reasonably handsome, good listener. The perfect gentleman who can listen to your problems, massage your feet, snuggle up on the sofa and can accompany you to any social occasion without drawing attention to himself for the wrong reasons and will have you fellow W.I. members frothing at the mouth with jealousy. Not because he’s a young stud, (women – in general – don’t really work like that. We would point, laugh and pour scorn upon the woman who turned up with a 20 year old shag toy. We expect women to keep a toy like that chained up in the bedroom where he belongs.) but because he was the perfect gentleman. The coveted Mr Darcy².
2. The 20-30 year old buff, tanned shag toy. He needs to be skilled in bedroom department and damned easy on the eye. He won’t be taken out in public, but by Christ, he’ll be ridden hard and put away wet.

The thing is though, that in general, women don’t want the first type to be a charade. We want a man to be all of those things to us because he wants to be. Not because we’ve just handed him a wad of twenties. The exception (of course) being school reunions or other gatherings which will include every snotty, snide, judgemental bitch we’ve ever wanted to get one up on, in which case we don’t care as long as they’re all dripping with jealousy. Unfortunately, by the time we are old enough and financially in the right place to go for the second type, an awful lot of women would be mortified to get naked in the company of a buff young man, just in case he is thinking “Oh my GOD! You’re so old and quite frankly a bit saggy!”. I mean, it’s all good fun until you catch him reaching for the Viagra and then there’ll be tears before bedtime, you mark my words. However, there’s always good lingerie, so ladies, if you happen to stumble across this post. Get yourself down to La Senza (other lingerie shops are available), get your twenties out and bloody go for it girl. You only live once, after all.

Anyway, the point I was going to make, which has got completely lost in an avalanche of waffle, is this. Boys, go for it if you want, but don’t rely on it for income. For instance, my ex – a tall strapping chap, pretty good looking, in his early 30s at the time – advertised his services. He’d seen what I was earning and decided that he wanted in on the action. He never made a sodding penny. Nothing. Not so much as an email or a call. Not even a timewaster. However, he missed a trick. He was bisexual and if he’d announced that in his advertising, things may have turned out very differently. And THAT dear wannabe male escorts is the thing.

You wanna be a male escort? Fine, you go for it sweetie.

You wanna make real money as a male escort? Lube up, bend over and take one for the team!

¹ I have been wrong before. 26th February 1997, if you must know.

² If Colin Firth ever does advertise his services, I will be going for a long booking faster than you can say “Hey! Who emptied the ISA?”

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As you probably know, they (the powers that be) are rolling out a new TLD, the aptly named .xxx. The idea being that the adult industry can pop over there and be deviant out of the public eye. Now, I truly believe that this is the TLD version of a leper colony and that every wifi hotspot in the world will immediately block them, so I’ve not taken much notice of them before now.

However, I decided that as Amanda.xxx might well be available, I toddled off for a look. I’m glad I did. It gave me the best laugh since I read about Appoline sneezing in her motorbike helmet.

Firstly, the rules surrounding the roll out of these domains are bloody farcical (IMO). Surely the whole point is to identify adult sites? Apparently not.

Founders Program
Now – 31 July

The pre-launch opportunity for members of the Sponsored
Community to submit proposals to and/or register one or more
Available Names.

Membership Application
7 Sep. – Ongoing

The Membership Application Process will be operational at the commencement of Sunrise, and available thereafter on an ongoing basis.  The process is designed to confirm the status
and validate contact information for prospective registrants who
are members of the Sponsored Community. The Membership
Application Process will include a membership token and
must be completed before a name in the .XXX TLD will be
permitted to resolve (collectively Membership Credentials).
Prospective registrants who are not members of the Sponsored
Community should not complete a Membership Application.

Sunrise A – Trademark Holders (“AT”)
7 Sept. – 28 Oct.

The pre-launch opportunity for members of the Sponsored Community to submit Registration Requests for .XXX names
corresponding to registered trademarks in use in Eligible
Commerce.  Applicants for names in the Sunrise AT process
must complete the Membership Application Process within 48
hours of the close of the Sunrise period.  Proxy services may
not be used in connection with Sunrise AT Registration Requests.
(Following allocation, an approved proxy service may be used.)

Sunrise A – Domain Holders (“AD”)
7 Sept. – 28 Oct.

The pre-launch opportunity for members of the Sponsored
Community to submit Registration Requests for .XXX names
corresponding to names registered in another IANA-recognized
TLD and in current use in Eligible Commerce.  Applicants
for names in the Sunrise AD process must complete the
Membership Application Process within 48 hours of the close
of the Sunrise period.  Proxy services may not be used in
connection with Sunrise AD Registration Requests.  (Following
allocation, an approved proxy service may be used.)

Ok, so far so good, although I really want to find out what the “Sponsored community” is for sure, rather than just making assumptions. It’s the next one that baffles me slightly.

Sunrise B – Non-Community Trademark Holders (“B”)
7 Sept. – 28 Oct.

The pre-launch opportunity for those who are not members of
the Sponsored Community to submit Reservation Requests for
names corresponding to their registered trademarks.  Reserved
names will set to resolve to a standard informational page
indicating the status of the name as reserved, do not result in a
typical Registration in the .XXX TLD, and convey no other rights
to successful Sunrise B Applicants.  Proxy services may not be
used in connection with Sunrise B Reservation Requests.

Why? Surely the whole point of .xxx is to set it apart from the other domains.

But, anyway, enough of that, the part which sent me into paroxysms of mirth was this:

Because I own sensuous-amanda.com, it qualifies me for Sunrise AD.

For those involved in the adult industry who hold pre-existing exact match domain names in any extension (TLD) prior to 1st February 2010.

Which has the following small print.

PLEASE NOTE: For both of these sunrise phases, a closed auction process will be used for .XXX domain names that have more than one applicant. The auction, which is run by Pool.com on behalf of the .XXX registry, will involve two or more applicants bidding against each other. The highest bidder will secure the domain. No refund is given in the event that any .XXX sunrise applications are unsuccessful

The trifling pittance I would have to pay, to possibly end up with bugger all? £149.99

Bwahahahahahahaha…. …Breathe… …Bwahahahahahahahaha…

I think I’ll wait until the fuss is over and I can just buy one normally.

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Yes really. I have no room to talk, because anyone who knows me will tell you that I amuse myself on a daily basis by making up new words for things and bastardising the words we have been very kindly provided with already, but squonuts? I mean, it’s not as if all other doughnuts are the same shape. We don’t feel the need to call them roundnuts or longnuts, so why bother?

Right, news… What have I got for you…

Well, as you can see. I have

revamped the site. Actually, I’ve done it three times, but just wasn’t happy with it. I know it’s not finished and any escort directory who ditches my listing because their link hasn’t shown for a few days, rather than just reminding me to replace it can kiss my almost geriatric and extremely lily-white butt! Any who show a little patience and consideration will see their banner reappear almost magically (ok, maybe not) over the next few days.

I’m dabbling in  people battering these days as well, in case you’re interested. Well, I shouldn’t really say dabbling. People will think I am clueless and I can assure you, I’ve reddened many a posterior and applied probably hundreds of nipple clamps over the years, just not at work. So if you have an irresistible urge to be spanked/whipped/plugged into the mains by 6’2” of high heeled domme, just give me a call.

Oh yes, and speaking of giving me a call. I will be changing my number soon. I know that I shouldn’t really and that any business guru would jump up and run shrieking from the room at the very idea, but mine is no ordinary business, so I need to shed the fuck-nuggets who have saved my number and send me texts at 6 monthly intervals asking the same questions. The same questions of course include such beauties as:

• Is this Amanda? (Always tempted to send back something along the lines of “No, this is her 6’6” rugby prop forward boyfriend, how may I help you?” I really must learn to behave)
• U r hooker (I assume this is a question despite the lack of question mark, because if it’s a statement, then there really is no hope left for humanity)
• How much 4 a good tym? (RTFW my friend)
• U do anal? (No no no no no no no no no no… getting it yet?)
• Can we fuck in your car? (I get this a lot for some reason)
• Can I see you now? (No, I am currently wearing my cloak of invisibility and anyway,  I require notice for an appointment, so EXPELLIARMUS! Ha!)
• Grump grump moan whinge bitch (cont. page 273)

I have taken to answering the phone with greetings such as “Ross-shire home for pregnant nuns” and “Tart Hut, Amanda speaking. May I take your order please?”. I should probably apologise for that, but I see it as fair warning. If you can’t handle that, you probably don’t want to be left alone with me.

Yes I know. I’ve been conspicuous by my absence. Sorry about that. However, I’m still here and as Granny Weatherwax would say, I aten’t dead.

I have moved house and been without broadband. Speaking of which, did you know that if you phone the Priory and tell them that you need help because it’s been two weeks, three days, four hours and twelve minutes without adequate internet access and you need their help, they laugh themselves into a coma? No, neither did I until recently. I don’t know, the quality of care is deplorable these days.

Anyway, I’m here. I’m wading through my collection of unanswered emails and I’ll be updating my site sometime over the next few days. Incidentally, isn’t it just typical that my email had been very quiet in the couple of weeks before I moved, but as soon as I would have trouble answering it, it went mad. If you have sent me an email over the last couple of weeks and not had a reply, please let me know.

I’m currently only available for a limited number of outcalls in the Inverness area, so if that is what you’re after, just let me know and I’ll see what I can do.